Asking for Feedback 2.0
Early last year, I wrote an article (To Be an Effective Leader - Don’t Just Give Feedback. Ask for It!) that described some experiences I've had soliciting feedback from my team. I've continued to use and build on the ideas and, of course, have learned some new things along the way.
17,000 Micro-stages of Grief?
There are officially five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Everyone knows that, right? Well, I wasn't sure if it was five. Or seven. And as a joke, I started talking about the 17 stages of grief. Then, still joking, of course, I multiplied 17 times 1,000 and came up with 17,000 stages.
It occurred to me that we can spend quite a while in each stage. For example, we have lots of thoughts while we're denying or bargaining. I'm not sure about the math, and, yes, there are only five stages, but I'm pretty sure there are approximately 17,000 micro-stages of grief, give or take a few thousand.
Criticism hurts! Hearing it almost always makes me feel bad, and I end up going through the stages. First I deny. Sometimes I might pass through angry. Bargaining can take quite a while. I really try to avoid depression. I go through all the stages. Eventually, I get to acceptance, which is great because that's where I don't feel so bad. And, with acceptance, I get to act.
When you receive criticism, try to speed through the 17,000 micro-stages as quickly as possible. Knowing you can speed through, that acceptance is the final stage where progress is possible, may make it easier to seek and listen to feedback.
How Can We Speed Through the Micro-Stages?
There's no simple formula, and every one of us is different. Here are seven ideas I try to keep in mind when hearing critical feedback:
- Take a deep breath. Pause. Take a sip of water. Breathe! Avoid being defensive. Create some space between what I'm hearing and my response.
- What am I feeling? Acknowledge the stage I'm in and feel what I'm feeling. Give my emotions a name (such as denial? fear?).
- Be curious. Ask questions to clarify what I'm hearing (and gain some time to get to acceptance).
- Summarize to make sure we're all on the same page.
- See the person. Try to understand the goals, challenges, and aspirations of the person giving me feedback. What's keeping them up at night? What's going on in their world?
- What can I do to help? How can I adjust my work to be more helpful? Focus on helping solve the underlying problem.
- Say thank you! Be generous with praise for the feedback and the risk they took to give it to you.
What works for you?
Why It's Important to Follow Up!
In one-on-one meetings, I typically ask for some advice. Sometimes their advice is praise, suggesting I should keep doing what I'm doing. That always feels great of course.
Most of the time, though, the feedback is about things I could do (Do differently? Stop doing?) that might make things better, either for the person I'm talking with or others on our team. While often difficult to hear, these are things that – once I know about them – I can take action.
Once I received a suggestion to let others use my parking space whenever I'm away on business or vacation. It was certainly easy to do, so I did it.
Another time, I learned something more concerning. During our stand-up meetings, I'd sometimes say I didn't know what I was working on. Usually, I just wasn't prepared to summarize my biggest priorities and work projects during the meeting. My colleague let me know that when I do that, it can seem like I don't want to tell the team. It can look like I'm trying to keep my work a secret or not let the team know what I know. I resolved to prepare in advance of these meetings so I could share.
In these two examples, I asked for feedback, received it, and acted on it. How did that work out? I later heard that my courageous colleague said something like, "Bill listens! He does the things I suggest in our one-on-ones." While nice to hear, this reaction also hinted at a major new takeaway for me: I have to do something with the feedback I receive!
The most obvious reason to take action is so that I can help the person who has been courageous enough to give me criticism in the first place.
I should also do it for me. How's that? If I don't follow up by taking action, and if I'm not seen to be following up and taking action, I won't receive more feedback. Worse, I may be seen as manipulative and insincere. Feedback is such a gift I have to keep the pipeline open by taking action.
Radically Candid Ideas for Seeking Feedback
In Radical Candor — The Surprising Secret to Being a Good Boss, Kim Scott describes a time she received feedback from Sheryl Sandberg in a way she really needed to hear it (video).
How to Get Feedback from Others by Kim Scott presents a series of tips we can all use to improve how we get feedback from our teams, our peers, anyone.
Kim has also written Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity. It is the best book I've ever read about how to be great at managing people. Scott presents the concept of radical candor as a "new management philosophy." What's really cool are the tools and techniques in the second half of the book.